When gentleness fades...

(10 minute read)

This past week I got a phone call from someone that broke my heart. 

In the call, my friend (I’ll call him Bob) was asking my advice on how he was supposed to proceed with a church leadership that was doing nothing short of bullying him. As an official member of this church, Bob had expressed concerns to his church leadership about some things that he had heard coming through the Sunday morning messages, and he was wondering about what was behind some of the statements. As he told me in our conversation, the issues he wondered about had nothing to do with whether Jesus was God or anything of that nature. Instead, he had some questions about the church's approach on a few issues, namely why the church was taking only portions of the Scriptures literally, why they used the translations they use, as well as a few other other hot-button items like the acceptance of LGBTQ individuals and women in the church and church leadership. 

 

I found out in our call that Bob emailed the head pastor at this church nine times over the course of a few months about these things, and he never heard a reply. But finally, after insisting to meet with the head pastor, another pastor was eventually sent to meet with him. When they did finally meet, that pastor told him it would be their one and only meeting. 

 

A few days after this meeting, Bob told me that he was sent a certified letter demanding he come to a meeting at the church, where he would meet with the head pastor and three of the elders. When he asked about the nature of the meeting, the replies were vague at best, only insisting he be present at the appointed time. Bob then asked if he could bring someone to the meeting with him who had similar questions, but he was told that wasn’t an option. Finally, when he inquired about the potential outcome of the meeting, he was told that he could sign a statement reaffirming his commitment to the doctrines of the church, he could resign his membership of the church, or he could be brought before the church at a business meeting for discipline. 

 

In disbelief, I asked him to repeat his options. When he repeated them verbatim, I honestly didn’t know what to tell him. I was stunned at how harsh and cruel he was being treated. 

But I wasn’t surprised it was happening.  

A FAMILIAR STORY

In 2015, I left a career in the United States Army to become a pastor at a church eerily similar to the one my friend is part of. There was absolutely no doubt that God was moving in my family’s life, and He paved the way for a transition of careers that was so seamless that even the most doubting skeptics who’ve heard the story have admitted there was something remarkable about it. 

So, after 14 years in the US Army, I went to work in a church I loved, doing what I thought I had been called to do. 

 

But a short way in, I began to realize that being a part of the congregation – and even as a volunteer – didn’t let me see what was deeper. I soon realized that the staff culture was actively concealed from volunteers and the congregation at large. The “it’s OK not to be OK” promise that the church made each week in its platform introductions only went so far, and when push came to shove, it was a nice talking point that had no depth. 

Who the staff leadership presented themselves to be in the building and on the stage on the weekend was not at all who they actually were behind closed doors in meetings. Mistakes - even the smallest ones - were harshly reprimanded, the staff lived in fear, and I soon discovered a lot of hurting people who had been bullied by leadership. What's more, while the Sunday teaching was loaded with Scripture as part of a polished presentation, the Scriptures largely disappeared in the need of a decision about preference. The deep study that was urged personally in the congregation had no practice in the day-to-day operation of the church.

This was the church that had taught me to love Jesus, telling me all the while that my service there mattered. This was the place I'd met, fallen in love with, and married my wife. This was the church I'd grown up in from about 26 to 40 years of age...

My discovery absolutely broke my heart, and I lived in that hurt throughout my time on the staff.

But another, deeper and darker change was happening behind that deep hurt.

I WAS PART OF THE PROBLEM

New to vocational ministry, I began to adopt what I was seeing the leadership apply to me and others. And why not? The guys leading me had been to seminary, and I hadn’t (and they reminded me often). They had been in ministry much longer than me, and they’d had much more experience (which they also reminded me of), so I naturally assumed that what they were doing was just the way ministry was supposed to work.  Having been in the military for a decade and a half, being treated and treating others in harsh, belligerent, and even downright cruel manners was something I was familiar with.

So, when I saw this familiar approach used on me and others around me in a ministry setting, it was no problem for me to go with what I knew. I soon found myself being unkind, emulating what I was witnessing in the private settings I was privy to with my senior leadership. 

 

But I knew it was wrong.

The courage God had given me to leave my previous career had been the result of the invitation he was making for me to daily look more like him. I was changing, but the staff culture I was part of was slowing that change. Soon enough, my behavior caught up to me, and I was fired.

Ironically, the very same tactics that were used on me had sent me packing. I was not as well-insulated as the leadership, and thus exposed, I was shown the door. 

 

As it turns out, being kicked out of that church has turned out to be the fifth best thing that has happened in my life (after saying yes to Jesus, marrying my wife, and witnessing the birth of my two children). What I initially saw as rejection and repudiation has emerged as the gateway to the deepest relationship I’ve ever had with God. I’m closer to Jesus now than I have ever been, and our family is in the middle of an adventure with God that I wouldn’t trade for a second.

Mostly, though, I’m grateful that God didn’t let me go any further in becoming like the leaders I once so highly idolized. 

 

If all this sounds familiar, it might because this is becoming the norm in Christian America. Best captured in Christianity Today’s “The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill” podcast, like so many other thousands of listeners, I have been appalled by the things I’ve heard about Mark Driscoll and others. But I’ve also experienced them first-hand, just in a different setting.  

WHAT WE'VE LOST

What I’ve come to realize in these last few years found voice in this past week’s call with my friend. As I listened to Bob’s experience, as I remembered back to those days when I was in his shoes, and as I thought about being in a similar position to those at his church who are threatening him, I came to the conclusion that all of this is the result of one thing: the loss of gentleness. 

 

The day after our call, as I was sitting with the Lord and praying for Bob and this situation, a verse came to mind: 

 

Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. 

GALATIANS 6:1 (NLT) 

 

My friend should’ve been met with gentleness and humility. But instead, he found the back of a 

religious hand through a certified letter and a scheduled tribunal.  

 

As I meditated on this verse, I began to think about those characteristics that Paul reminds us to have when someone’s struggling: gentleness and humility. It soon became clear why Paul held up these particular characteristics as the approach we’re supposed to have: 

 

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 

Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart…” 

Jesus, MATTHEW 11:28-29 (NLT) 

 

There aren’t a lot of passages in the Bible where Jesus gives us a description of his personality as clear as this. Yet, here in Matthew, we learn perhaps his two most distinguishing characteristics: gentleness and humility. Circling back to Paul’s admonition in Galatians, he’s essentially saying that when we find someone who’s gone the wrong way, it’s our job to look like Jesus to that person. 

 

But is that what we see happening today? It certainly isn’t what happened at Mars Hill and the seemingly endless supply of churches like the one I was in, who should’ve blushed with every new episode of that podcast. What’s more, the exodus that’s happening from the established Church in America seems to show that what’s happened at Mars Hill isn’t an exception. The stories like these, of my friend, and even my own story should wake us up to the reality that there’s a new pandemic raging in Christian America – the loss of gentleness. 

 

A WARNING AND THE WAY FORWARD

This article is a warning to three groups. 

First, it’s a warning to myself and those like me. Realize that you can hurt a lot of people. Any of us in leadership have this ability if we don’t have fresh accountability. 

Second, it’s a warning to believers who think that righteous posturing is winning anyone to Jesus. You’re doing more damage than you know.  

But finally, it’s to congregations who think that because they have a great preacher who presents as loving Jesus, they’re safe. Your celebration of a person’s gift over their character is enabling damage to people who are right under your nose. 

 

If we’ve lost gentleness, we need to repent and come back to asking ourselves if we look like Jesus. It’s doubtful.

But how do we repent? Three thoughts…

 

1. REALIZE YOU’VE ALREADY LOST HUMILITY 

It’s interesting to me that Jesus pairs gentleness and humility when he describes himself in Matthew 11. But when you think about it, you can’t separate the two.  

 

Humility is a mindset. Better said, it’s a heart-set. Because of that, it’s hard to see. When we say that someone is humble, it’s not because we actually saw humility. Rather, the actions we saw them take (or lack thereof) showed us if humility was present.  

 

Mostly, when I think of the people I’d call humble, the first thing I think about is their gentleness. They don’t lash out. They don’t toot their own horn. They don’t get even. Humble people are almost always incredibly gentle, and it feels like I’m with Jesus when I’m in the presence of someone like this. 

 

It stands to reason, then, that when someone has lost gentleness, this wasn’t the first thing they lost. Humility was long gone already. 

 

My friend told me on the phone this past week that his pastors at his church constantly speak from the platform about how they’re “no better than anyone else”, and are having their “own struggles, too”. They quickly point out in sermons about how they’re human, tempted, and sinful people, “just like everyone else”. But my friend wondered how much they really believed that, because his treatment told a story of superiority and arrogance. As with my experience, what he’s seeing out of the public eye is nothing like what is proclaimed from the stage. 

 

What perpetuated the toxic culture at Mars Hill, my former church, and the church Bob is in was the mistake of believing that God won’t move in places who don’t have it all together. If you heard it once in the Mars Hill podcast, you heard it a dozen times: people allowed the private toxic behaviors to continue because they assumed that the decisions for Jesus, the baptisms, and the success of the big show was the sign that they were on the right course. We seem to forget is just how graceful our God is, including the reality that he will often use even sin itself to turn a human life around. God is awesome because…well…he’s awesome, and not because we got it right. 

 

If leaders were really humble, they’d show the gentleness to join someone in their struggle and  questions as Galatians tells us to. When gentleness is lost, so is humility, and you get what Bob is getting.  

 

2. REALIZE YOU’RE PROBABLY NO LONGER MEETING WITH JESUS 

Of late, I’ve started asking Christian brothers and sisters when the last time they met with Jesus was. The usual responses default to something about Bible reading, prayer, and going on a retreat. At that point, I always ask them if they heard my question. 

 

I have another person living inside me. (Stop. Don’t call the guys in the white coats. Let me explain.) 

 

The Bible tells us that when we accept Jesus’s payment for our sins and make him the leader of our lives, the Holy Spirit becomes a new resident in our hearts. Jesus promised he would send this person when he left (John 14), and that’s exactly what happened in Acts 2, one chapter after he ascended into heaven after the resurrection. As such, the Holy Spirit takes up a home inside of each believer when they confess that Jesus is who he was, is, and says he will be.  

 

Jesus also said this: 

 

“For where or two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.” 

MATTHEW 18:20 (NLT) 

 

I heard this verse a lot growing up in church, and each time, even as a kid, I came away thinking, “Oh well. I guess Jesus can’t just meet with me. It’s just me and no one else.” Sure, Jesus spoke this in the context of what Christian restoration should look like (ironically enough, given the subject matter of this article), but the principle is the same for us if we want to meet with Jesus.  

 

This could be a misinterpretation, but I believe that we only come to the conclusion that Jesus isn’t willing to meet with us “one-on-one” if we forget that the Holy Spirit is an actual person that is with us all of the time. So, as a follower of Jesus, we NEVER go anywhere alone. Ever. There’s always at least you and the Holy Spirit. So, when you invite Jesus to meet with you, he will. You can meet with Jesus anytime you want, because another person – the Holy Spirit – is in that meeting, too! 

 

How does this relate to humility and gentleness? Well, when gentleness and humility have gone away, it’s pretty clear that the person who lacks these traits isn’t meeting with Jesus. People who actually meet with Jesus start to look like him. They may be reading their Bible and praying a lot, but meeting with Jesus might not be happening.  

 

In America, we’re making things like Bible reading and prayer the ends of our faith, and they’re not. They’re amazing things, to be sure, and I don’t go a day without both. But, they’re the means to something greater, which is the presence of God. God the Father clearly shows in Jesus and the Holy Spirit that he wants to be with us, and like the old adage that says that couples who have been married for a long time start to look like each other, when we’re consistently meeting with Jesus, we’re going to look more like him.  

 

If we look like Jesus, his humility and gentleness will start to take over. Our loss of these things are a clear indicator something is really wrong. We need to stop having quiet times and devotionals and actually be with the God who sent his Son and the Holy Spirit to prove how very much he wants to meet with us. 

 

3. REALIZE YOU PERPETUATE THE LOST IN THEIR CONFUSION 

I’m not sure what Bob believes, exactly, that has led him to get his own personal recreation of the Inquisition. But that doesn’t matter, given the context of what Paul says in Galatians. Remember, Paul said “…you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path.”  

 

Let’s be clear about what Paul said. “Help” that person back onto the right path. Not slap, force, or coerce. Help. The original word from the Greek there is “mend”, “equip”, “arrange” or “fit out”. These verbs imply time and a process.  

 

I’m reading a book that is examining what happened between Jesus and the two guys that met him on the Road to Emmaus after the resurrection (Luke 24). Because of the crucifixion, these guys had changed their belief that Jesus was who he said he was. As they said to Jesus (still not knowing it was him), “We had hoped he was the Messiah…” (Luke 24:21). Translation: Jesus looked like the guy, but nope. Unfortunately, their hope had gone to the grave with him. 

 

Notice that Jesus doesn’t send them a certified letter and invite them to a trial. Look at his approach: he takes some significant time with these two. Luke 24 goes on to say that he took them “through the writings of Moses and all the prophets, explaining from all the Scriptures the things concerning himself” (emphasis mine). That would have taken a while! So, Jesus gave them the time. These two guys end up hanging out with Jesus through the afternoon, the evening, and right into dinner.  

 

Bob needs someone who can come alongside him, equip him to understand, or mend how a world influence, a circumstance, or his own brokenness may be playing into what’s going on here. What he’s getting however, may convince him about his position. Because his church leadership has made the issue his “being in line” instead of helping or equipping him to work out the legitimate questions he has, he’s got real potential to go down a path that will only hurt him further. This is the core of a lot of church hurt in America, and Bob is yet another victim. 

His Facebook posts have shown that Bob's made the horrible assumption that he's right in his positions, because the church leadership forced a position. Instead of inviting him to a discussion marked by gentleness and humility, where they could have discerned the pain behind the position, Bob's taken their position as a marker that he's in the right.

 

To be clear, I don’t think my friend’s salvation is on the line. He’s told me several times he thinks Jesus is God. But an approach that looks nothing like Jesus is just doing more damage, and he's hurting.

 

When we lose our gentleness, the damage we can do is unfathomable. Unless I, you – all of us – repent of the times where we’ve acted this way, and until we back away and get alone with Jesus…a lot…we’re perpetuating pain that doesn’t need to happen. And, worst of all, we absolutely, positively, don’t look like Jesus. 

 

No one’s asking us to change our convictions about anything. When Jesus was questioned, he didn’t change his position. He lovingly defended himself, until he was accosted by the religious elite who thought they had it all together.  

 

But until we change our approach, until we embrace the charge to be with Jesus, and let the humility and gentleness flow out of us that is born through deep intimacy with him, we’ll continue to offer people what Bob is getting. 

The cost of not doing this is terribly high.

Like Mars Hill, like Bob’s church, like the church I used to be a part of, if we don’ repent, we’ll only hurt and push away the very people we are called to lovingly steer back to Christ.